Last week we covered all the basics of numerology. But since we live in a time where *~*wHaT’s YoUr SiGn*~* is the new “how you doin’”, it only seemed fitting to also do a little crash-course in its sister study: astrology!
Now, because of the fact anyone can throw “zodiac personality traits” into Google, it didn’t make sense to do the same, generic-style guide that’s been done a million times. And since using examples can make anything light-years easier to fully grasp, we figured this was a good chance to phone a friend to put it all into realer-world terms.
That friend being the sage of scare himself: Stephen King! Alongside his almost 50 YEARS’ worth of characters that can help decode the world of the zodiac.
Certain elements of it, anyway.
ARIES: JACK TORRANCE
(March 21 – April 19)
Jack Torrance may have been ahead of his time when it comes to axes, but the author-turned-ticking time bomb also demonstrates a pretty worst case scenario of classic Aries characteristics.
We’re talking impulsive, forceful, intensity-loving & possessing of questionable judgement, but the good news is those things don’t have to spiral into a full-on psychotic break. Confidence, courageousness & being action-oriented are some of the best qualities that come with the ram’s domain as well, so as long as they steer clear of haunted hotels (just in case), everything should be perfectly fine.
TAURUS: PENNYWISE
(April 20 – May 20)
There’s always a flip side to every coin, so when it comes to Pennywise the Dancing Clown’s Taurusean persuasion – it’s unfortunately on point for all the wrong reasons.
Those of the bull are often known for being responsible, dependable, resourceful & grounded. And although Pennywise isn’t really any of those things, he *is* 1- stubborn (so many beatings yet the dude never stops); 2- reliable (27 years on the DOT); & 3- ferociously devoted.
Even if it’s being ferociously devoted to something like eating children.
GEMINI: CHURCH
(May 21 – June 20)
To anyone who’s ever had a cat…you know how it goes. So is it really a surprise that Church from Pet Sematary would be a text book Gemini?
Erratic, expressive & seemingly possessive of two completely opposite personalities (zombie re-birthing aside): this is what Geminis are typically chocked up to be. However, they aren’t all Jekyll & Hydes. Sometimes it’s just a matter of liking to live in the moment & having a relatively short attention span…which can mean unwaveringly curiosity & wanting to pursue several things in life.
CANCER: ANNIE WILKES
(June 21 – July 22)
She’s not crazy, they said. She’s just ~misunderstood~, they said.
Well, if *that’s* the case, then there’s a good chance she’s a grade-A Cancer, too! Much like our homicidal homegirl Annie Wilkes.
Ok, so Annie is legit not mentally right (even though *she* thinks she’s being perfectly sane & reasonable). But for all of the other crabbies out there, airs of moodiness, affinities for manipulation, being the center of emotional drama & craving control are some of the sign’s most common traits. Of course, that’s also alongside loyalty, intuitiveness & tenacity most of all.
LEO: RICHIE TOZIER
(July 23 – August 22)
So even though Richie was allegedly born on March 7th (I still maintain it could have been a typo), he’s a pretty great example of a Leo if we’ve ever seen one.
Lovers of attention, fans of the spotlight, Leos are known for being vivacious, theatrical & charismatic…sometimes to the point of seeming arrogant. But honestly, it’s not all without working hard, having a big heart – & being a natural-born leader, too.
VIRGO: ROSE THE HAT
(August 23 – September 22)
Ignoring the fact that Rose the Hat & her vagavampire-like squad could have totally doubled as Neil Young’s backup band, she rocks some SERIOUS Virgo vibes.
Even though it’s at the cost of a few Shining-havers’ poor lives, one can’t say that Rose doesn’t do “what needs to be done” in order to “take care of the ones she loves”. Such a virgo move. Even though we’re usually talking about said qualities with far more…virtuous intents.
LIBRA: CARRIE WHITE
(September 23 – October 22)
Be still my teenage heart – the poor soul that is Carrie White. AKA the biggest Libra EVER.
Above all else, children of the scales are known for valuing balance & harmony. Which between dealing with a maniac of a mother at home & horde of relentlessly savage classmates at school, made that little task quite a feat for telekinetically gifted Carrie. As seen at the prom we’ll never forget.
Thankfully those types of powers aren’t the case with most Libras out there, so on the other hand we can also appreciate their charming, people-pleasing & graciously minded natures.
SCORPIO: MIKE HANLON
(October 23 – November 21)
While he’s not necessarily your stereotypical Scorpio, Mike is most def still cut from the same cosmic cloth.
Stubbornness, intensity & being set in one’s opinions are the types of things this water sign may be known for; however, Scorpios actually draw a lot of energy from more intuitive/emotional realms. Which means their obsessive tendencies for seeking “the truth” absolutely makes sense – especially when it can many times lead to paranoia, blowing things out of proportion…& fixations on defeating one of the most evil ancient entities to ever exist.
You know, just another Friday night.
SAGITTARIUS: MOTHER ABAGAIL
(November 22 – December 21)
We all know that person who lives life #unfiltered. But if it’s a result of just being fans of their own way of doing things, as opposed to not knowing how to put themselves in other people’s shoes, they’re channeling big SAGG energy. As we’ve seen with the one & only Mother Abagail.
Strong-willed? Check. One for exploration? Check. Walking to the beat of her own drum? MAJOR CHECK. In soooo many more ways than one.
Not only has Mother A. outlived her entire family, but she’s proven to be immune from the ultimate superflu (unlike the other 99.4% of the population). So with spearheading her own tribe of survivors out in the wilderness, she embodies an unwavering urge to travel well into her 100+ years of age & keen sense of optimism amidst a deteriorating world around them.
CAPRICORN: ANDY DUFRENESE
(December 22 – January 19)
It’s hard to imagine what being imprisoned for a crime you never committed is like. And even harder to imagine doing so chip-on-shoulder-free. But for Andy Dufrenese, that was hands down his signature quality – as well as a stage-setter for his insanely Capricorn-like sensibilities.
Independent, disciplined, hard working & passionate about follow-through, those characterized by the goat are the G.O.A.T. for good reason! Clearly seen in regard to Andy himself.
From 6 years spent sending request letters to fund a prison library, to a whopping 19 YEARS dedicated to digging a tunnel to his grand escape, Andy goes to show that persistence is NO joke when it comes to the mind of a Capricorn.
AQUARIUS: DANNY TORRANCE
(January 20 – February 18)
To say that Danny Torrance may have some emotional issues is an understatement. However, it’s that long & profoundly winding road that makes him a total Aquarius!
Unique, imaginative, humanitarian & perhaps a little emotional expression-challenged, Aquarians are often exceptionally deep thinking & innate revolutionaries. Which, lucky for Danny, was quite handy when it came time to unite with a fellow “shiner” & finally destroy all of the evil entities dead-set on their cruelest demise.
PISCES: JOHNNY SMITH
(February 19 – March 20)
Despite having immense understanding for the thoughts & feelings of others, Pisces have a way of feeling like they’re on an island all by themselves. But if you’re Johnny Smith, maybe that just comes with the territory of being able to learn mysterious things about people & objects from simply touching them.
NBD !!
Ok, so obviously he isn’t the only Pisces in the world, but similarly insightful, mystical & psychic-like characteristics are quite common when it comes to these guys. Sometimes it can come off as struggling between fantasy & reality. Although at the end of the day, having a flair for compassionate wisdom definitely has its perks.
Wow, what a ride!
Regardless if you’re an astrology wiz or just starting out, hopefully you’ve learned a thing or two about your sign – as well as who doubles as your very own (& potentially surprising) horror spirit animal.
Real talk, though – how accurate was it for you?!
xxAA
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